Random Notes

I just realized...

2011-02-13T07:14:00.000-08:00

That although my previous blogs were somewhat insightful they are extremely depressing. I am laughing at myself. All in all, the blog is there to remove it all from my mind.

In the midst of it.

2010-03-07T15:54:00.000-08:00

Have you ever experienced being in this world and yet not of it? Have you ever not just seen hurt but been hurt, deeply...humiliated to a point of no return and yet were still able to remove yourself enough to understand just how complex this world is and that regardless of the pain you feel, you’re not alone it in?

I wish I could say I didn’t understand why it happens, but I can’t. Once you have experienced the rooftop view, you can't go back. It creates an ambivalence that has a force able tear the heart and mind to shreds. Yet, you must forgive, and move on. No matter the depth of the hurt and the sting of the pain. You must move on.

Thoughts

2009-10-05T19:33:00.000-07:00

It’s been 3 weeks since I was told I’d be losing the “job of my dreams”. Well, it wasn’t the job of my dreams per se, but when you were at the bottom of you barrel and all the things you worked so hard for were seemingly for nothing, and then….this one thing comes along. The thing you needed that only God would really know how it would satisfy the depths of you, that thing, that was what was taken away.

It’s as though I went through the stages of grief – shock, denial, acceptance, anger…and then some level of surreal peace; the peace that surpasses all understanding, perhaps. After all, if He gave it, He can take it away. It’s in this season of not understanding and grasping, grasping for a logical reason for how this shift could possibly make sense, and how it really fits into the “plan”, you learn to trust. I confess, I do not know. I do not have it all figured out.

A trustworthy mentor once told me, “Paula, all He cares about is this”, and he took my face in his hands and stared into my eyes as if to portray my Father’s love for me and signify that all other things were unnecessary and of little worth in comparison.

I believe that, but it’s difficult to remember when you’re in the thick of things. I think often times we brush it off quickly, mainly because we have never encountered what unconditional love really is; we’ve been hit with so many disappointments we cannot fathom it, or are unable to trust that a love so deep - that meets us where we’re at - and cares not for what we’ve done, but cares for restoring us to a place of wholeness, really exists. We’re so used to being loved and loving with having expectations laid on us or laying them on others. We are unable to understand, at first, how love without expectations and regardless of ability to perform, can be present and have been present…all this time, under the radar, lying there only noticeable to those who chose to stop and listen.

I often wonder if my prideful nature and love for all things intellectual have drawn me away from Him. I wonder if my job got in the way. If my focus cannot be on Him in priority because of a “thing” in my life, regardless of what that “thing” is, does it not make sense that he would remove it? Because, it’s only in the removal of “it” that I am brought back to my senses and realize the source of all things, including “it”, whatever that may be at the time?

Another mentor thought it was possible this is happening because I need to be less independent and learn to accept assistance from others and learn what it means to be in a community. I admit, this has been extremely hard for me. I’m a loner and socially awkward by nature. Even more so when I’m not fostering a relationship with Him; I don’t portray His heart when I’m distanced.

I question whether such a huge change in my life was really necessary for me to learn, what appears to be, a seemingly small lesson. Then it occurred to me, maybe even the small lessons are important enough. The so called big changes that occur now are needed in order that the butterfly effect of the small lesson could be counted on for big changes down the road; the big change we feel now is really not that big in comparison of eternity

Yet, another good friend, when in discussion with him and in expressing my anger and frustration I was feeling at the time, suggested…this life is more about finding His will and letting go of our own idea of how things should play out. When I heard his words I knew that was the spot I was in. I’ve forever tried to control everything in my path. Thankfully, He is graceful and loves me enough to let me hang on because He knew I wasn’t ready to let go. I’m not completely ready to now, but I’m closer to it. It will always be a stretch, otherwise, why would we need to trust?

I still don’t have the answers or completely understand, but at least these thoughts are out of me now and I now have room for more. More thoughts are needed in hopes of progression.

Written July 2009

Be vigilant.

2009-10-05T19:29:00.001-07:00

It’s amazing the things we get involved in and the lies we believe about ourselves and others. A friend of mine preached on Proverbs 31 tonight, “The Virtuous Woman”.

I learned a lot about myself, the things I’m doing right and the things I need to change too. What stuck out for me most was how he spoke about the vigilance of this woman; she never loses sight of what is important and how the enemy works and is working.

I know I’ve been guilty of taking my eyes off of God and therefore making myself weak to my own selfish desires and thereby opening the door for attack. I have not been vigilant; I lost God’s rooftop view.

I’ve been hurt badly in the past, and at least one time I know it was not done intentionally. In return, I withheld real forgiveness and antagonized the situation. In all honesty now that I look back on it all, I know God was speaking to me, warning me to keep my own priorities straight and my eyes fixed on Him so as to not the let enemy take hold in both our lives. I was not vigilant.

We will get hurt, it’s not ok but, it will happen because of our brokenness. We must realize that after all is said and done, we live in a broken world and when intentions to reconcile are sincere and forgiveness is asked we must give it and move on. If we do not, we allow the one thing that entered in to keep hold and take up residence in us – sin, the enemy, and resentment. In that, we only continue to hurt ourselves, prevent healing and growth, and most importantly, God’s plan for our lives to continue. If we do not surrender, we in fact are continuing a cycle of hurt that, if we hadn’t been so selfish to begin with, never would have been allowed to begin.

We live in a broken world with broken people (that means all of us) but thankfully, Jesus came to rectify it all in our lives if we allow Him to. Hurt is inevitable in this world but thankfully with Christ in our hearts we can see it for what it is, hate the act but love the person, forgive, and throw it away, out of our sight, just as God does when He forgives us.

Keep God as your first priority, have reverence for Him, be vigilant, keep your eyes open to what lies ahead, and ask for forgiveness when you hurt, forgive when you get hurt, and trust that God will take care of the rest. In obeying Him in this, you allow His plan to carry on for your life without delay, continue on with the adventure, and experience yet again, what it means to rest in Him.

Written Spring/Summer 2009

Next month makes it two years.

2009-10-05T19:20:00.000-07:00

As I was leafing through my address book this morning looking for a family members' new address, a loose piece of paper fell to the ground. I bent down to pick it up and as I glanced at it in my hand, the folded, yellow-lined sticky note reminded me of the time of year. Next month makes it two years: two years since you died, since so many of us were not overly shocked but grief stricken still. The inevitable we denied, surfaced and took you.

Who knew a yellow-lined sticky note with an address for Lethbridge would ever elicit such sadness after this long? I grieve the fact that I never got to spend the year with you and soak up the knowledge you were willing to share. You were, and still are, someone who subconsciously keeps me going. You were brilliant, sincere, clever, comical, quick-witted, and the person who opened up a world to me that I never knew existed. Most of all, you were willing to take a chance on me. Someone like you, thought me worthy of a year of your time. I will never forget that.
You still inspire. You are still missed.

He knows me.

2009-10-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

It is evident, given my life circumstances and happenings, specifically in the past 10 years, that God knows the depths of my heart and deeply cares about its condition. It seems as though He will do whatever necessary, even beyond the needed cross, to let me know He loves me, deeply and uniquely, in the midst of my imperfections. There is neither thing nor person that can come even close in comparison to a love like His. The reasons are complex and above my own reasoning but, I have learned of at least one reason; He does it because it delights Him, He does it merely to see me smile because His love for me is so great.

In case you are wondering what inspired this note, this morning I listened to and shook the hand of a man who has researched and published ADHD literature for the past 30 years – Dr. Russell Barkley. To you, this may seem miniscule or uninteresting. To me, this was not the case at all. Only my Father in heaven, who knows the depths of my heart and has been on my life’s journey with me, could have orchestrated such an event knowing how much it would encourage me, motivate me, and spark a renewed interest in the field. To take this love for academia, mix it with a passion for encouraging others, and open a door to a ‘by invitation only’ talk that consisted of about 20 people in the medical field (far beyond my own expertise if I can even go so far as to call it that) and this expert, is amazing. God will give you passion and bring that passion to fruition over and over. There is nothing more exhilarating and I couldn’t have dreamed of a life more exciting than the one I’m living because I surrendered my own idea of what a great life would be to the one He has in store for me. May I never cease in doing so, may I never recline and let the adventure He has in store pass me by.

Written on March 23, 2009

Just A Thought

2009-10-05T19:14:00.000-07:00

As of late I have been getting slightly overwhelmed and felt as though I was spreading myself too thin. God created me as a very sensitive creature. I am still learning, for one, what this means, and two, how to be effective when it comes to relating to others. I’ve come to the realization that I cannot do “it all” on my own; when I try I continually get the same result – exhaustion which leads to ineffectiveness. In order to prevent such a state I’ve been more intentional with how I spend my time.

As I was reading today God showed something to me. I wasn’t reading the Bible, I was reading a book by Blackaby on prayer. The following excerpt really revealed something about my prayer life and possibly others’ as well.

“To each of us, God has entrusted other people in a variety of relationships – a marriage partner, children, co-workers, friends, and a local church family. How are you relating to them? Are you seeking the Father in prayer to understand His activity in their lives?These people have been given by God not only to walk with you and help you carry the burdens that come with being a follower of Christ, but also so that your life can be a blessing and encouragement to them. How much time in prayer have you spent on their behalf?As the Father reveals the people who have been entrusted to your life, are you faithfully going to God in intercession that they would remain faithful? Our intercession should be as real and as urgent as the prayers of Jesus for those entrusted to Him.”

That last line is interesting. We are to pray as feverishly for the people in our lives as Jesus prayed for His disciples; God entrusted them to Him. The people in our lives have been put there by God in order that we pray for them…for the strength to endure, strength to continue on in God’s will regardless of what they encounter, and so that we may be a blessing to them. Often times, people seek relationships for their own gain, whether it be financial or material gain, the power of affiliation, social status, and the list goes on. When was the last time you looked at your friend and realized that God brought them into your life in order that you intercede for them and be a blessing to them? If for no other reason, when was the last time you agreed with God that if this was the only reason they were in your life, that reason was enough? We are to carry each others burdens, of course, however...if we have the mindset of making "the other" a priority over ourselves, how much more would we be moving according to God's will for us and in turn, be blessed ourselves?

August 10

2009-08-10T19:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, the thing you need, just this one thing, can only be given by one person. Just one. This thing, that enables you to keep going, keep moving; the thing that makes you feel like you have a place in this world and enables you to do what it is you were meant for, cannot be obtained on your own. It cannot come from within. The idea that you can live a certain way or accomplish certain things in order to get this thing is only that, an idea. It must be given and the only way to get it, is to ask for it. Sometimes, you wrestle with taking the chance to ask for it, knowing so much of yourself is in danger of being exposed. Sometimes, you get the courage. One time. That's all it takes.

If you ask for it, and this one thing, the very thing you need to survive, you don't get, you learn to never ask for it again.

Ever.

June 17 2009

2009-08-03T21:07:00.000-07:00

I grieve about the time lost, the potential wasted, the ideas lost.

I’m ambivalent; torn between focusing on one possibility and its greatness and the boredom that may come from the mundane process of focusing on just one thing. Then the variety, the beautiful vastness of ideas may never be contemplated because they will never have been discovered.

Comprehension July 2006

2009-07-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

Confusion, anger
Test of patience
Emotions are high
Intelligence is low

Listen to my words
Follow what I say
Misunderstanding, can't find the way

Light peeks through
The Valley is deep
Trudge along, even with doubt
Sooner or later you'll make it out

Darkness fades
Circumstances become clear
Emotions dwindle
Climbing out

The Self Fulfilling Prophecy 2006

2009-07-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

Self fulfilling prophecy
It will be our demise
Move on from this trench
or sink and die.

Words are used to fill space
Your transparency is evident
It is all beneath me.

Exacerbation 2005

2009-07-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

Exacerbation

I have passed over your atmosphere
The storm that came disguised
As the ever welcomed sun and warmth
Revealed itself as the unexpected tornado
The ever feared category 5 bombardment

A five month dispute, a test of wits
Has worn you out but not I
I have begun to thrive because you hate me
However, it is not deemed appropriate
To divulge such information at this juncture
The darker part of me has not indicated
That the time has come, ironically

I have passed over your atmosphere
You fail to understand the laws of action and re-action to your own demise
The angel you were introduced to
Was forced to make a mid-course correction
My newly discovered lack of empathy
Has set me free from your over-worked, voluntary deficiencies

One Sunday's Thought

2009-07-05T11:06:00.000-07:00

When I’m working it's as though I feel pieces of me being chipped away, no matter the job. I become fragmented and am so distracted by the things that are outside of myself that I lose touch with who I am and my place in the world. When I’m not able to be still and have the time I need to myself, which is more than most require, I become something inauthentic. It's as though I have to try to “be”. It's as though I haven’t had enough sleep and have to push my way through interactions.

I’ve lost my job recently. Tomorrow will be my first day home with no work. I could respond to it in many ways, depending on the day, but mostly, when I slow down enough, I realize this is an opportunity given to me, to enjoy rediscovering myself and I am reminded of the first time I was able to do that in the summer of 2003. I am grateful. It’s a constant struggle to be able to fit in with the world and also be me; it's a difficult balance .

I got reminded

2009-07-03T09:56:00.000-07:00

God reminded me of a verse today: John 5:8
Jesus said to him, "Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!"

At first I thought about how some people just spend their days complaining and it made me angry - angry that I drive myself to the end of my rope to try and get my own things done and help others too. Then, I read the commentary and realized I needed to incorporate this view:

We are all by nature impotent folk in spiritual things, blind, halt, and withered; but full provision is made for our cure, if we attend to it. An angel went down, and troubled the water; and what disease soever it was, this water cured it, but only he that first stepped in had benefit. This teaches us to be careful, that we let not a season slip which may never return. The man had lost the use of his limbs thirty-eight years. Shall we, who perhaps for many years have scarcely known what it has been to be a day sick, complain of one wearisome night, when many others, better than we, have scarcely known what it has been to be a day well? Christ singled this one out from the rest. Those long in affliction, may comfort themselves that God keeps account how long. Observe, this man speaks of the unkindness of those about him, without any peevish reflections. As we should be thankful, so we should be patient. Our Lord Jesus cures him, though he neither asked nor thought of it. Arise, and walk. God's command, Turn and live; Make ye a new heart; no more supposes power in us without the grace of God, his distinguishing grace, than this command supposed such power in the impotent man: it was by the power of Christ, and he must have all the glory. What a joyful surprise to the poor cripple, to find himself of a sudden so easy, so strong, so able to help himself! The proof of spiritual cure, is our rising and walking. Has Christ healed our spiritual diseases, let us go wherever he sends us, and take up whatever he lays upon us; and walk before him.

What are you afraid of?

2009-06-25T19:12:00.000-07:00

My biggest fear is that I’ll never do anything important, anything worth mentioning. I fear my life will be full of half-hearted attempts or whole hearted attempts that fail.

Let the earth quake

2009-04-30T04:51:00.000-07:00

There was a time when the only time I wrote was when I was feeling down and introspective. Lately, it’s been the opposite. I write and often thank God for the blessings He has bestowed upon us.

This note is different. This note is a declaration of hope. This note is to say, thank you for the trials, God. Thank you for bringing me through, for walking ahead of me, for refining my character, for testing my faith, and giving me the opportunity to increase my trust in You.

I read the following in my devotion book today:

Sometimes God requires us to follow a fair amount of repetition for a long time until He deems a season complete.
- Beth Moore

Thank you for preparing my heart Lord. Thank you that Your ways are higher than mine and Your plan for me is bigger than the one I dream for myself. I trust You Lord that Your rooftop view is superior to my street level one. Thank you Lord that, our hope is in You.

“Our Hope Endures"
by Natalie Grant

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is torn
With illness, yet she marches on

Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient

We never walk alone
And this is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism

Let the earth quake
Let the earth quake
Let the earth quake

Our Hope is unchanged.

1 Peter 1:7
Hebrews 10:23

Trust

2009-04-27T20:07:00.000-07:00

The INFP’s approach to every situation is to grant trust and respect from the outset. It then becomes yours to lose. It should be noted that if you violate an INFP’s loyalty or trust then you’re DONE! They will never trust you again. But this is unlike the “done with you” of an INTj or INFj. The INFP will still talk to you, they still listen to you. They will let you be part of their lives… but you’ll never ever regain that which you lost because by violating the trust and loyalty you burnt down the house it lived in [...] -the point being here that the only adage “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me” holds true for the INFP. And, INFPs don’t like being fooled.” (got it from here)

One day I thought...

2008-11-02T19:04:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how easy it is to get caught up in the so called important projects and tasks we have put before us. Busy work as a friend would call it. What a good term...just crap to fill the gaps. What is their worth? Really when I think about it, in the scheme of it all, does it really matter? I've been a rat on a wheel.I have ignored You. I have turned my back on that which has sustained, protected, provided for and loved me in order to focus so hard on things that don't do any of that. For that I am regretful. I was the one who suffered. I lost the quiet peace and the knowledge that I am being looked after and that no matter what I am faced with, You are there, always there beside me or carrying me. Often times those footprints in the sand are not mine, I was reminded of that recently.

I do not deserve to be forgiven but You forgive, over and over and over. There is no such thing as unconditional love on earth. Not from my brothers, not from my father and not even my mother or grandmother. How could there be? We're all imperfect. No, the only unconditional love is from You and it wasn't until I took the time to know You that I realized that. I had forgotten the peace You give to those who ask. I'm glad you drew me back again. Thank you for that. You are my heavenly Father, an unimaginable source of unending, never changing, love. Never changing. In a world so obsessed with constant change it's hard to accept the consistency of You.

You are bigger and encompass more than my mind is capable of understanding. I'm glad something as awesome as You is on my side. I don't know why you love me but I'm glad you do, I'm so glad you do. I just want my presence here to be an example of Your love to all those I come in contact with. I am never more at peace than when I am moving in the direction which you have set out for me. I wish I had known you earlier...because there is nothing on this earth that can give what You give, none of it even comes close. But I was too caught up in the idea that You were religion and not a relationship...what a mess we have made of You. My apologies for that.

November 23, 2007

2008-11-02T18:58:00.000-08:00

It was a sad day. Dr. Nicholson’s memorial service was held at 3pm. I heard recounts of students, faculty and even a friend of hers from grad school. I can understand their sorrow. I was never really close with Dr. Nicholson even though I was set to do research with her this year. I understood why people wanted to be around her, I understood how brilliant she was and I understood how fortunate I was to have a Directed Study set up with her. There aren’t many who encapsulate the qualities she so naturally demonstrated. She wasn’t warm, she was brilliant and understanding and always willing to assist. She strived for excellence in her work and expected it of her students. She also laughed and made us laugh readily.

After listening to the stories all her friends told, and that is what they were, friends from all walks, I was grieved again that I wouldn’t be able to spend the year with her, taking all of it in, soaking in all of her academic knowledge and habits I knew I’d need to conform to in order to be better at what I’m doing. How fortunate they were. They were in fact better off for knowing her and losing her. How fortunate they were.

June 8, 2007

2008-11-02T18:53:00.000-08:00

As I strolled from my car to the entrance of Mapleton Park I observed that I was one of the very few to be out at this time of day. The sun was shining brightly, and this was the reason for my venture there. This was not a trip for exercise, which would be taken care of later, at the gym. This was time meant for me, just me, to relax and enjoy the beginning of summer.

As I walked down the path laid out before me I curiously paid attention to what was in bloom. The forest smelled sweet. To my delight I saw masses of blue bead lilies in bloom or on their way to that state. It brought back vivid memories of my backyard in Colpitts Settlement and the natural treasure I discovered there. A pleasant feeling came over me; a response was elicited that reminded me of a time when I felt most like myself. That made me smile. Priorities were immediately being reordered in my head. What do I really want? However, I left those thoughts alone. This was not a time for analyzation, it was a moment to enjoy the memories and the flora I had stumbled upon.

At this point I began to wonder what else was in bloom. Comparing my memories of time frames of the blooming cycle I knew of. I continued down the path a little further and to my astonishment I spotted a rare pink lady slipper orchid, just like the ones I had been graced by in Colpitts Settlement. My heart jumped. It was as if someone had given me a gift that was so sentimental the person would have had to have known the real me for a while now. Only that person would really know what it meant for me to see it (God?). I knelt down to examine the specimen and marvelled at how perfect and beautiful it was. I ventured off the path into the woods a little ways and stumbled on a few more; what a delight. It really made me smile.

As I walked out of the woods and down the path again I was approached by a squirrel. I knelt down and held out my hand to which it immediately ran. They are used to being fed by visitors of the park, I assumed. Although I had nothing to give and in turn the squirrel did not keep interest in me for long, what a pleasure it was to see him up close.

I made my way down to the lake, being passed by only two or three other visitors, to see the ducks that had taken up residence there for the summer. They too approached me as they were conditioned to respond to humans with the idea that food would be given. There were about 20 of them, all beautiful. They also did not visit with me for long. They soon realized I had nothing for them. They paddled along in a group and the V shaped waves following each reminded me of paintings done by Patterson of our Canadian wildlife. For a moment I felt a connection with him, I saw what he saw; that which inspired his art. I felt privileged.

I rounded the lake and back through the woods onto the trail. Carefully scanning the landscape for what else might be revealing itself to those of us who cared to look. Then, out of the corner of my eye and surprised by the stripes of colour I saw, I moved in closer and my suspicions were validated. I had come across a plant I had not seen in years, a Jack-In-The-Pulpit. I couldn’t believe it. How could this day get any better? I looked around to see if there were more and there were a few. I appreciated nature’s ability to create such a thing. There were so many passers by that had totally missed all of these spectacular examples of wildflowers, I’m sure. I was ambivalent about that fact; sad to know life is so rushed that people miss the small things, the ones that are most beautiful and satisfying, but grateful that I was privileged to be one of the few who noticed and took great pleasure in discovering them this Spring.

Ramblings

2008-11-02T18:50:00.001-08:00

Sept 3rd 2007, after reading news on MTA’s website…

Mount A is an establishment where a fighting for the limelight occurs. I am not interested in the limelight and it makes it very uncomfortable for me to be included in that. I am almost angry as I right this. It’s as if I have contempt for that institution. I just want to be left do my work. If anything comes of it; wonderful, if not; I will be satisfied with my effort. My energy is not going to be wasted on, what would be represented in the physical, as a pushing match to be the center of attention. That is a diversion in which I am not interested in the slightest. Why would someone waste their energy on being better and learning nothing in the process? I don’t understand that.

What does it mean to regret when you have no choice?

2008-11-02T18:45:00.000-08:00

This Day
February 14th, 2007

This day is the day I recall more than any other. Not because of the flowers I've gotten or the gifts I've received. All I can think about is that it would have been 8 years today that we met. I would have been married for 4 1/2 years...and who knows what else?

I had it all according to standard, a big rock on my finger, a nice house, a beautiful space surrounded by the flora only nature can so eloquently disperse and that we so desperately try to replicate, a man who loved me to no end and would do anything to keep me happy, well almost anything. It's unfortunate it was that one thing I really needed. Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake by leaving it all. Did I pass the opportunity of a lifetime by? So many people think so. He's such a nice, good-looking guy they said, why are you doing this? He was, and is. Maybe I wasn't in my right mind. Well, we all know I wasn't. Even if I were, would it have made a difference? No, I tend to think not. In fact, I think it would have just taken longer to realize and the results may have been even more devastating.

I hurt him terribly, I'm sure of it. I don't think he'll ever realize what was going on in my head at the time, no one could. His intentions were genuine, as were mine. He is happy now it seems, and I am happy for him, truly. He seemed it when he called me on my birthday last year. How sweet of him to remember. I wonder if this day is good for him. I hope it is. I hope the memories are replaced. I will always question my decision because I had no support in it, from anyone. I went it alone. Always against the grain I go, unintentionally. It's as if some innate force drives me. I can not do those things I do not believe in. Physically, emotionally, I can not.

I will never be able to see what would have been and I am not able to see what lies ahead. It is in the unknown that uncertainty lies and uncertainty will always exist, prevail even. Trust yourself. What else can you do?

"It would have been wonderful to say you regretted it. It would be easy. But what does it mean? What does it mean to regret when you have no choice? It's what you can bear. There it is. No one's going to forgive me. It was death. I chose life."
- The Hours

Socrates was right, only certain things can really be determined through dialogue, even if it is just me, myself and I talking here. It's Valentine's Day, love your life.

Solution: Apathy

2008-11-02T18:41:00.000-08:00

Solution: Apathy

*Autumn scurries to the printer on the other side of the office so she doesn't get caught....heart pounding, eyes darting, keeping watch for managers...*

Dear Dilbert,

In protest, I have decided to spend time during my work hours writing this piece for my blog. The amount of time spent on this piece will only minimally reflect the dislike I have for the place where I work, which is mainly generated by the lack of competence demonstrated by management.

Dilbert, it is evident to me that you deal with the same work issues as I do. I enjoy reading your cartoon everyday. It makes me smile and I feel warm inside when I am able to relate your discord to situations I recall in my own work history. Today, for example, I was told that management was working on approving a new policy regarding vacation planning. I was ecstatic to learn that I might no longer have the choice of when I schedule my own vacation. This will definitely lighten my stress load. Wow...this is great, mostly because I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately. I have deciphered the source to be that, again, of incompetent managers.

Also Dilbert, when I am assigned tasks I work autonomously, which I enjoy. However, the anger and anxiety set in when the work I have completed has to be reformed. This is mostly because management does not have a clear understanding of the purpose of my task initially. Many times my productivity is wasted by trying to find loop holes in a sea of red tape also known as policies. Dilbert, I believe these policies, which are usually created with little forethought as to how it will actually impact workflow, make upper management feel significant. That, in fact, may be their only purpose.

Well, this is all the time I have for now; it's almost time to call it a day.

Sincerely, PJM
Written: 2005

When people die, sometimes dreams do too.

2008-11-02T18:38:00.001-08:00

On my first day at Mount Allison I eagerly entered my first class, PSYC 2101-Biopsychology, taught by Dr. Karen Nicholson. I remember her warm smile and looking at her wondering what great knowledge she would bestow upon us. Her arm was in a sling and she joked to the class about how we should not wear Crocks in the rain. Over the next several months I got to know Dr. Nicholson, not just as a professor but as a mentor. She was always willing to help and always had time for her students.
After completing Biopsychology I spent the Christmas break anticipating my next class with her, PSYC 3101 - Neuropsychology. It was there where I realized I had a passion for Neuropsychology and finally I felt like I had a direction to move in. One of the most exciting days of my life came when she informed me she would be able to take me on as a Directed Studies student for the 2007-2008 year. I remember the tour of the lab like it was yesterday and how fortunate I felt to be studying under her; I was so excited.
Dr. Nicholson’s classes were not only filled with engaging material but were topped up with her hilarious demonstrations (she had us all convinced we had some sort of Neuropsychological Disorder at one point or another), her quirky jokes and the funny stories from her graduate years at Western. I will never look at revolving doors (squished frontal lobes) or narcoleptic dogs the same again. She was someone I admired, gained inspiration from, and looked forward to seeing everyday. When I got the news she had passed away my heart sank; it was as if part of my dreams and part of Mount A died with her. She will be greatly missed and the sorrow felt by the Psychology Department will not dwindle quickly. May you rest in peace Dr. Nicholson, thank you for gracing us with your astounding presence. The memories you gave us will never fade.

One day at Mount A

2008-11-02T18:31:00.000-08:00

I just completed my final Neuropsychology exam. On top of having to drive 30 miles in a blizzard there and then home again, I am drained, shakey, and exhausted. I’m not dizzy anymore, thankfully (not quite sure what that was about lol). I feel like an addict in need of a drug. I hate the fast pace this year has held over me and yet, I feel lost without it. I fear facing the entire summer with no intellectual stimulation. A love-hate relationship describes it best.While in the Flying Bean Café at the library one day I heard someone say, “What is this ‘sleep’ of which you speak?” We laugh, but well all know, it’s no lie. We are all sleep deprived, most likely in need of better nutrition and are fragile emotionally as a result of those factors combined. Mount Allison has demonstrated itself to me as an institution of educational Darwinism that pounds its’ students with copious amounts of work (most likely as a prep for graduate school as a wise friend so insightfully explained to me) in hopes of weeding out those not fit to `survive`.
Not surprisingly, our Psychology is science based. How else would I know that the corpus collosum when severed (aka split brain patients - thank you Roger Sperry) saves those suffering from severe Epilepsy, from a life of torment? Or that the orbital frontal cortex houses the recognition faculty for explicit memory? Or that brain lesions found in the 3rd convolution of the left frontal lobe (also known as Broca’s area which is the area that houses the faculty for shifting between words when speaking, as opposed to speech production as was previously thought), causes Broca’s aphasia - which subsequently results in disrupted speech, although comprehension is still intact, thankfully. Not what I'd call a great conversationalist, however. And in retrospect the only reason I'm actually going in to this detail at all is to make you see that "yes" I am learning something and because you don't likely have any idea of what Im talking about, it MUST be important, it must! Psych students can talk shit, the best of them all maybe.
No we can't read your mind but we can certainly see you coming from a mile away and know your motives before you do. See! I'm doing it again, it's ridiculous really. (Even if I do have that ability). People tell me "you're above me, you're so smart, you're out of my league".
No, it's called I drive myself insane reading this stuff and because I had people around me encouraging me to the point that I thought I could do it, well...I did. It really isn't about how smart you are, its about how insane you will drive yourself to do what needs to be done. Now my life is consumed with this. When I see a baby, I think - I wonder if neurogenesis really has ceased? I wonder if they've been exposed to prenatal androgens above the normal level? He has Hydrocephalus! I wish I could see the fMRI on that guy! It really should not be a surprise that when I talk to people outside of school and crack jokes about this stuff it does NOT seem funny to them at all. Im laughing at myself now. Psychobabble is only funny to some of us. Even after all of that, I still question my performance on the exam. The material itself is challenging but not impossible to understand and remember. Alot of terminology you need to adjust to, like the temproparieto-occipital junction LOL What the hell! The biggest task is taking 30 pages of typed notes describing topics at a level seen in a professional journal, and deciphering from that what will actually be asked. It’s a game, really. A test of memorization skills and not of understanding. Information, as soon as it’s regurgitated, is somewhat forgotten unless countless hours (and there aren’t enough in the day) are spent on picking all the information apart. But don’t neglect your other classes; they nearly all require the same effort. My friends complain they never see me, as does my family.

You’d think I were in some sort of position that required the time to save the world and yet, I’m only doing an undergraduate degree from Mount Allison University. If I went elsewhere I’d most likely have a better GPA, and it might seem ridiculous to not have to keep up with the pace, workload, and quality that’s expected where I am now. Would I think it trivial? Why am I doing this? Have I merely escaped one whirlwind to be simply caught up in another? Someone please tell me. This place seemingly creates facades. I am not a cog in the wheel; is that what they want from me? I am not defeated, nor will I ever be. If I continue it's merely to say...you didn't get me and if I don't it's because I won't succumb to the wheel.

I had to remind myself.

2008-11-02T18:21:00.001-08:00

So many people are not living their dreams
Cancer is rampant
Cancer and Type C personality type have been related
If you’re passive about your life, if you DON’T follow the God given dreams you have,
Are you making yourself sick?
Are you hurting yourself?
Do you believe that “being responsible” is more than just giving in to what the world wants?
Does it make you an “adult”?
Maybe our dreams and our “dreams” of being accepted, of being what society deems to be greatness or at the very least, “responsible”, is getting in the way…making us sick.
Let go of the control…you only need that control when someone or something else is trying to steer you away from who you are.
Don’t you see that God made you who you are and your happiest existence will be realized when you go after your dreams?
When you let go of the massive “need” to shop and buy and accumulate….
When you realize you’re worth something and you were meant to be here for a reason, regardless if it makes a huge impact or not…reasons are reasons and they all have purpose.
Stop chasing something that will not fulfill you, even though it meets the requirements everyone else thinks should be met.

Don’t you know, God made you, God gave you dreams, and He wants to see you enjoy your life? He didn’t put you here to save money and buy houses and cars and forget your dreams so you look good on the outside and feel miserable on the inside.
Don’t you know that?
Follow your heart.
Don’t make the mistake of not doing what your heart is telling you;
Don’t make the mistake and make yourself sick;
Don’t do that, don’t waste your life.

I never sent it in.

2008-11-02T18:12:00.000-08:00

Moncton’s Booming Economy??

This piece is being written in response to a booklet I received in the mail called “Moncton’s Booming Economy”. This title enraged me. How can we say that Moncton’s economy is booming? Employment opportunities might be plenty but they are all in the customer service sector. Want to work in a call centre? SURE! You have a job! Satisfied with making $12 an hour? Great, you have it made!

This is insulting! The provincial minimum wage should be set at $12 an hour in order for the residents of this city to reproduce themselves. For those of you not familiar with Karl Marx, he focused on what it takes for a person to survive (reproducing themselves). This entails things like work, time with family and leisure time. Do you know that Canadians are working more now than they ever have? On average it’s about an extra 200 hours a year. When a city has nothing much else to offer other than jobs that help you scrape by, how can we possibly say our economy is booming? Come on!

I believe being positive makes a difference but let’s be realistic; the majority of jobs in this city hardly allow one to sustain themselves independently. If expectations are set that a “booming economy” is defined by a plethora of jobs available that pay the targeted minimum wage, we are fooling ourselves.

Moncton is a nice city; it has a lot to offer culture wise. The mix of French and English is great, events at the Capital Theatre for example are wonderful (I’m sure for those who can afford to go) but, if we are not providing a way for our residents to sustain in a manner that allows for nothing more than worrying about the next bill in the mail because they don’t have a partner or a roommate to share costs with or, are not able to afford to go to a couple of dinners and movies a month, this is not a booming economy, it’s one that’s clinging to survival - pay cheque to pay cheque.

Moncton is on its way to having a better economy but let’s not try and convince the residents of this city that what is offered here is a dream come true and we should be happy about it; we’re more intelligent than that. Why do you think so many are leaving? Instead of the propaganda I received in the mail, I would suggest taking the time and effort it took to create that booklet and using it in a way that actually helps Moncton move in the direction it needs to - more opportunity, more stability and, better paying jobs.

2008-11-02T18:08:00.000-08:00

Intelligence is not necessarily the key. Honing in on your talents and gifts and focusing energy may produce results comparable to those of Einstein and Marx. We are bombarded with too many outside influences and are not filtering them out and setting priorities. Focus on what you’re good at and all things of that realm; sift the rest out as secondary and you will prove successful with diligence.