Thoughts

It’s been 3 weeks since I was told I’d be losing the “job of my dreams”. Well, it wasn’t the job of my dreams per se, but when you were at the bottom of you barrel and all the things you worked so hard for were seemingly for nothing, and then….this one thing comes along. The thing you needed that only God would really know how it would satisfy the depths of you, that thing, that was what was taken away.

It’s as though I went through the stages of grief – shock, denial, acceptance, anger…and then some level of surreal peace; the peace that surpasses all understanding, perhaps. After all, if He gave it, He can take it away. It’s in this season of not understanding and grasping, grasping for a logical reason for how this shift could possibly make sense, and how it really fits into the “plan”, you learn to trust. I confess, I do not know. I do not have it all figured out.

A trustworthy mentor once told me, “Paula, all He cares about is this”, and he took my face in his hands and stared into my eyes as if to portray my Father’s love for me and signify that all other things were unnecessary and of little worth in comparison.

I believe that, but it’s difficult to remember when you’re in the thick of things. I think often times we brush it off quickly, mainly because we have never encountered what unconditional love really is; we’ve been hit with so many disappointments we cannot fathom it, or are unable to trust that a love so deep - that meets us where we’re at - and cares not for what we’ve done, but cares for restoring us to a place of wholeness, really exists. We’re so used to being loved and loving with having expectations laid on us or laying them on others. We are unable to understand, at first, how love without expectations and regardless of ability to perform, can be present and have been present…all this time, under the radar, lying there only noticeable to those who chose to stop and listen.

I often wonder if my prideful nature and love for all things intellectual have drawn me away from Him. I wonder if my job got in the way. If my focus cannot be on Him in priority because of a “thing” in my life, regardless of what that “thing” is, does it not make sense that he would remove it? Because, it’s only in the removal of “it” that I am brought back to my senses and realize the source of all things, including “it”, whatever that may be at the time?

Another mentor thought it was possible this is happening because I need to be less independent and learn to accept assistance from others and learn what it means to be in a community. I admit, this has been extremely hard for me. I’m a loner and socially awkward by nature. Even more so when I’m not fostering a relationship with Him; I don’t portray His heart when I’m distanced.

I question whether such a huge change in my life was really necessary for me to learn, what appears to be, a seemingly small lesson. Then it occurred to me, maybe even the small lessons are important enough. The so called big changes that occur now are needed in order that the butterfly effect of the small lesson could be counted on for big changes down the road; the big change we feel now is really not that big in comparison of eternity

Yet, another good friend, when in discussion with him and in expressing my anger and frustration I was feeling at the time, suggested…this life is more about finding His will and letting go of our own idea of how things should play out. When I heard his words I knew that was the spot I was in. I’ve forever tried to control everything in my path. Thankfully, He is graceful and loves me enough to let me hang on because He knew I wasn’t ready to let go. I’m not completely ready to now, but I’m closer to it. It will always be a stretch, otherwise, why would we need to trust?

I still don’t have the answers or completely understand, but at least these thoughts are out of me now and I now have room for more. More thoughts are needed in hopes of progression.

Written July 2009

Be vigilant.

It’s amazing the things we get involved in and the lies we believe about ourselves and others. A friend of mine preached on Proverbs 31 tonight, “The Virtuous Woman”.

I learned a lot about myself, the things I’m doing right and the things I need to change too. What stuck out for me most was how he spoke about the vigilance of this woman; she never loses sight of what is important and how the enemy works and is working.

I know I’ve been guilty of taking my eyes off of God and therefore making myself weak to my own selfish desires and thereby opening the door for attack. I have not been vigilant; I lost God’s rooftop view.

I’ve been hurt badly in the past, and at least one time I know it was not done intentionally. In return, I withheld real forgiveness and antagonized the situation. In all honesty now that I look back on it all, I know God was speaking to me, warning me to keep my own priorities straight and my eyes fixed on Him so as to not the let enemy take hold in both our lives. I was not vigilant.

We will get hurt, it’s not ok but, it will happen because of our brokenness. We must realize that after all is said and done, we live in a broken world and when intentions to reconcile are sincere and forgiveness is asked we must give it and move on. If we do not, we allow the one thing that entered in to keep hold and take up residence in us – sin, the enemy, and resentment. In that, we only continue to hurt ourselves, prevent healing and growth, and most importantly, God’s plan for our lives to continue. If we do not surrender, we in fact are continuing a cycle of hurt that, if we hadn’t been so selfish to begin with, never would have been allowed to begin.

We live in a broken world with broken people (that means all of us) but thankfully, Jesus came to rectify it all in our lives if we allow Him to. Hurt is inevitable in this world but thankfully with Christ in our hearts we can see it for what it is, hate the act but love the person, forgive, and throw it away, out of our sight, just as God does when He forgives us.

Keep God as your first priority, have reverence for Him, be vigilant, keep your eyes open to what lies ahead, and ask for forgiveness when you hurt, forgive when you get hurt, and trust that God will take care of the rest. In obeying Him in this, you allow His plan to carry on for your life without delay, continue on with the adventure, and experience yet again, what it means to rest in Him.

Written Spring/Summer 2009

Next month makes it two years.

As I was leafing through my address book this morning looking for a family members' new address, a loose piece of paper fell to the ground. I bent down to pick it up and as I glanced at it in my hand, the folded, yellow-lined sticky note reminded me of the time of year. Next month makes it two years: two years since you died, since so many of us were not overly shocked but grief stricken still. The inevitable we denied, surfaced and took you.

Who knew a yellow-lined sticky note with an address for Lethbridge would ever elicit such sadness after this long? I grieve the fact that I never got to spend the year with you and soak up the knowledge you were willing to share. You were, and still are, someone who subconsciously keeps me going. You were brilliant, sincere, clever, comical, quick-witted, and the person who opened up a world to me that I never knew existed. Most of all, you were willing to take a chance on me. Someone like you, thought me worthy of a year of your time. I will never forget that.
You still inspire. You are still missed.

He knows me.

It is evident, given my life circumstances and happenings, specifically in the past 10 years, that God knows the depths of my heart and deeply cares about its condition. It seems as though He will do whatever necessary, even beyond the needed cross, to let me know He loves me, deeply and uniquely, in the midst of my imperfections. There is neither thing nor person that can come even close in comparison to a love like His. The reasons are complex and above my own reasoning but, I have learned of at least one reason; He does it because it delights Him, He does it merely to see me smile because His love for me is so great.

In case you are wondering what inspired this note, this morning I listened to and shook the hand of a man who has researched and published ADHD literature for the past 30 years – Dr. Russell Barkley. To you, this may seem miniscule or uninteresting. To me, this was not the case at all. Only my Father in heaven, who knows the depths of my heart and has been on my life’s journey with me, could have orchestrated such an event knowing how much it would encourage me, motivate me, and spark a renewed interest in the field. To take this love for academia, mix it with a passion for encouraging others, and open a door to a ‘by invitation only’ talk that consisted of about 20 people in the medical field (far beyond my own expertise if I can even go so far as to call it that) and this expert, is amazing. God will give you passion and bring that passion to fruition over and over. There is nothing more exhilarating and I couldn’t have dreamed of a life more exciting than the one I’m living because I surrendered my own idea of what a great life would be to the one He has in store for me. May I never cease in doing so, may I never recline and let the adventure He has in store pass me by.


Written on March 23, 2009

Just A Thought

As of late I have been getting slightly overwhelmed and felt as though I was spreading myself too thin. God created me as a very sensitive creature. I am still learning, for one, what this means, and two, how to be effective when it comes to relating to others. I’ve come to the realization that I cannot do “it all” on my own; when I try I continually get the same result – exhaustion which leads to ineffectiveness. In order to prevent such a state I’ve been more intentional with how I spend my time.

As I was reading today God showed something to me. I wasn’t reading the Bible, I was reading a book by Blackaby on prayer. The following excerpt really revealed something about my prayer life and possibly others’ as well.

“To each of us, God has entrusted other people in a variety of relationships – a marriage partner, children, co-workers, friends, and a local church family. How are you relating to them? Are you seeking the Father in prayer to understand His activity in their lives?These people have been given by God not only to walk with you and help you carry the burdens that come with being a follower of Christ, but also so that your life can be a blessing and encouragement to them. How much time in prayer have you spent on their behalf?As the Father reveals the people who have been entrusted to your life, are you faithfully going to God in intercession that they would remain faithful? Our intercession should be as real and as urgent as the prayers of Jesus for those entrusted to Him.”

That last line is interesting. We are to pray as feverishly for the people in our lives as Jesus prayed for His disciples; God entrusted them to Him. The people in our lives have been put there by God in order that we pray for them…for the strength to endure, strength to continue on in God’s will regardless of what they encounter, and so that we may be a blessing to them. Often times, people seek relationships for their own gain, whether it be financial or material gain, the power of affiliation, social status, and the list goes on. When was the last time you looked at your friend and realized that God brought them into your life in order that you intercede for them and be a blessing to them? If for no other reason, when was the last time you agreed with God that if this was the only reason they were in your life, that reason was enough? We are to carry each others burdens, of course, however...if we have the mindset of making "the other" a priority over ourselves, how much more would we be moving according to God's will for us and in turn, be blessed ourselves?

Don't worry, this isn't about you.

You sneek glaces of me with deep pleadings of love
You look at me with disdain

You pull away
You draw near

Your words, sharp like surgical steele
You, with your attempt to subtly arouse hurt
Or comfort me endlessly

You sneek glaces of me with deep pleadings of love
You look at me with disdain
You pull away
You draw near

August 10

Sometimes, the thing you need, just this one thing, can only be given by one person. Just one. This thing, that enables you to keep going, keep moving; the thing that makes you feel like you have a place in this world and enables you to do what it is you were meant for, cannot be obtained on your own. It cannot come from within. The idea that you can live a certain way or accomplish certain things in order to get this thing is only that, an idea. It must be given and the only way to get it, is to ask for it. Sometimes, you wrestle with taking the chance to ask for it, knowing so much of yourself is in danger of being exposed. Sometimes, you get the courage. One time. That's all it takes.

If you ask for it, and this one thing, the very thing you need to survive, you don't get, you learn to never ask for it again.

Ever.